“A History of Mental Illness”

Every now and then, these stories come up that make me cringe a bit. To be sure, the various incarnations of evil and abuse that show up are among those. But there is a phrase that comes up now and then that often troubles me — when we say that a person had “a history of mental illness.”

Sure, they’re envisioning some genuinely crazy person who thinks he’s Genghis Khan and that his dog is Jesus telling him to massacre people.

The problem is … I have a history of mental illness. At one time, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and severe Anxiety Disorder. I was prone to anxiety attacks so severe that I would be catatonic. My “cocktail,” as we in the mentally-ill community called it, was 20 mg of lexapro and 300 mg of wellbutrin XL each day, 15 mg of buspar twice per day, and up to four 0.5 mg klonopin pills per day (1 in the morning, 1 at noon, 2 to sleep).

Even so, I dealt with self-injury and suicidal ideation. In 2002 (I think), I was part of a writing workshop and was asked to write a short story about my greatest fear. It was a very convincing story, told in the first person, about my suicide. It was easy to write, since I only had to change a few details. (And actually doing it was a small detail …)

In 2003, I had such an anxiety attack at work that I was taken from the building in an ambulance. I was on medical leave for seven weeks. (It would have been six, but my grandmother passed away on the Saturday of the last weekend off. Suddenly, my counselor became unwilling to sign off on my return to work.)

My problems related to a verbally- and emotionally-abusive marriage. To some, I know, that makes my situation different. But I don’t think so. I have seen the judgmental attitudes about mental illness. I’ve noticed when shootings are explained with such remarks as, “The shooter had a history of depression.” And I’ve been told that mental illness is a lack of faith.

On the other hand, I’ve also had a pastor who told me that if anyone said that to me, to send them straight to him for correction. When I was taken to the ER from work, four guys from my church went looking for me.

I also came to know several other strong and wonderful Christians with anxiety disorders, depression, or bipolar disorder.

I also know that I’ve been violating the premise of this blog … its very reason for existing, my commitment to honestly saying what I think, know, and believe.

This subject came up on other blogs … John Shore’s “Suddenly Christian” and Pistol Pete’s “Necessary Therapy.” I promised to write about this, but didn’t. Not because it really took this long, but because I was afraid of having this thrown back at me while I was trying to support the Huckabee campaign. In no way does my history of mental illness impair my judgment of politics, but I don’t like being called the crazy guy, and didn’t want my past issues to interfere.

Several years ago, when I was a teller supervisor for a Credit Union, the former president of another local CU committed suicide. My branch manager had known him. She mentioned the death in her key staff meeting that morning (she was new to our branch), and said that she didn’t understand how anyone could do that. I started to answer, but the greeter explained it brilliantly.

After the meeting, the manager pulled me aside and asked what was up with the greeter. I answered, “She knows this feeling. Probably as well as anyone does … but she’s not alone. If you ever want to know about depression, ask us. She and I both know.”

So, here I am. I have a history of mental illness. If that suddenly means that all of my past opinions are tainted, then so be it. This post was promised long ago, it’s about time that I come clean with it.

I also hope that we can rethink our terminology. After all, a real-life Norman Bates from “Psycho” and I might each have histories of mental illness, but I don’t see how any reasonable person could find an equivalence.

I have more to say about this in relation to Christianity specifically, but I will do that in a separate post some other time.